- If the current champion of your league keeps bragging about how smart he is, remind him that he hasn’t gotten laid in 3 years.  This should shut him up.

- When trying to come up with a good team name, think of something that reflects your personality, like “the whining vaginas” or “the unbearable douchebags.”

- If you’re doing your draft at a bar, don’t even bother to hide your ESPN phone when a female walks by, you never had a chance anyway.

- Try to resist drafting your personal man-crush several rounds too early, a good Fantasy GM never lets his latent homosexuality get in the way of constructing a good, balanced team.

- If you’ve sent Bill Simmons a question for his mailbag on who your keepers should be, and especially if it ends with “What would the Sports Guy do?”, please fill your bath tub with cement and take a nap in it.

- When posting your well thought out zinger on the league message board, make sure you reference someone’s mom and use lots and lots of exclamation points.

- If you name your team after your favorite NFL team, and then draft only players from that team, you’re probably a Jets fan, and we’re all glad you’re playing, we need more idiots like you.

- When coming up with a team logo, make sure its a gratuitous picture of a woman’s body part (like Vida Guerra’s ass or Jessica Simpson’s tits), this will convince everyone in the league you are a real ladies man and not an enormous loser.

- If you blame the draft robot for messing up your draft every year, try spending a few bucks and upgrading from that dial-up connection and Commodore 64, you penny pinching whore.

- Start making a list now of your 15 favorite team names since you’ll be changing it once a week anyway you annoying, indecisive dickhead.

- If you were last year’s champion be sure to create a plastic championship belt and carry it around like Rasheed Wallace, everyone will respect you.

- If you draft a Falcon, Jet or Raider in the first round, make sure to give yourself a vasectomy afterwards.

- Laugh uncontrollably at the first defense taken, even if the pick makes sense.

- Scream “Gramatica!” as loud as you can every time a kicker is taken, even if your draft is being done on-line.

- Be sure to make an arrest joke after the first Bengal is drafted, because that will be funny.

- If you purchased a fantasy draft magazine in June, you probably also have cheat codes for video games.  Just give up.

- If you’re wearing a jersey during your draft, you probably have a mustache too, so no advice here, keep on truckin’.

- If you don’t know anyone in your league, just kill yourself.

- Make sure the Michael Vick joke you make has been said atleast 100 times already

- When picking Eli Manning, try not to spill your Zima

- When offering a terrible trade, be sure to make it a lopsided deal so the other guy will get one player and you will get his entire roster, because that’s definitely not a waste of time.

- When the one uber-dork with the color coded Micrsosoft Excel spreadsheet busts out his laptop -do not think, pause, or hesitate, simply punch him directly in the throat.

- When picking your back-up QB, send a dong text to Sean Salisbury

- First person to say “He Hate Me” after their self-proclaimed steal of the draft, gets cheese

- Make sure you call everyone in the league a homo. It will boost your masculinity and charm the ladies. On that note, if there are women in your league make sure you swear uncontrollably at them during the draft if they take the guy you were going to take. Chicks love that. And then stab yourself in the cranium for allowing a guy’s wife into the league.

- When the one Raiders fan in the room (there’s always one, isn’t there?) Picks Dante Culpepper with his 2nd pick of the draft and starts screaming “RAIDERZ BABY!!!” at everyone in the room, avoid the temptation to punch him in the nuts. Taking money from douche bags like this is probably the most rewarding part of fantasy football.

- As a reference to the movie “Major Leagues”, do the following: While looking at the draft board, point to one of the players drafted by another team and proclaim, “This guy here is dead!”

-No matter how late in the draft it is, resist the Draft Robot’s repeated requests to take you to the Champagne Room this year…

- Shout “Elvis is the King” every time a Patterson or Grbac is drafted (An oldie but goodie)

- Never bet your favorite Don Johnson Miami Vice flower shirt on draft day as a wager to your 1st week opponent.